Let Love Rule

Double Complete Rainbow!!

I had my last day of court with the Ex this week. I felt sadness wash over me, not because of the end of the marriage, but because of the ugliness of it. Watching him give testimonial, I wondered at how I could have cared for him so much at a different point in time, but I did. I don't understand it.

I've changed and evolved a great deal since then, I feel better than I ever have. I'm confident of who I am as a person, as a mother and as a friend. I think that those who know me well can be sure that I'll always be honest with them even if the truth is hard to hear at times. I try to do it as lovingly as possible... Unless I've been drinking.

I sat in the courtroom and reflected on the road I've been on since having left the marriage over three years ago. The fear I felt then was overwhelming. I didn't believe that I could accomplish anything, that I'd be able to provide for the children by myself or ever achieve any of the goals I'd dreamed of. I felt destroyed right down to my soul, that any illusion of safety I'd believed was shattered beyond repair.

I spent a lot of time in the dating world last year and it was my goal to learn as much about men as possible. I learned that most men will tell you what you need to know about them within the first half hour of conversation. Often they will tell you what they are most certainly not like, which I figured out meant that they are telling you what they are most like. I learned that in a casual dating world, it's very easy to be lied to. I learned that it was a world I wasn't interested in. Not the world of men, but the casual dating world. (Just wanted to be clear about that, no offense to the ladies, but I prefer my equipment to be serviced by the male persuasion, their tools meet my needs in a better way... Uh, yeah, I digress). So I left it, left the online dating sites and left it to chance.

Leaving these things to chance when you work a 9-5 job in an office dominated by women, don't go out much and have a limited income limits chance meetings with men. Whateves though, I took my time and focussed on myself, learning to get comfortable with meditation, practicing patience and turning my attention more fully to the kids and friendships. It has been a rewarding year. I haven't felt the loneliness I felt for so long in my marriage and then the profound feeling of "I am so ALONE" that I had felt in that first year of singlehood. I would occasionally wonder if I even should ever bother thinking about being in a relationship at all... And in those moments, I was OK with that prospect, but truthfully, I want something more.

A few months ago, I had a dream that was filled with chaos, but during one brief minute, I came across a man I knew (not in real life, but in the way you know things in dreams) and I looked into his eyes and mused at how I hadn't seen him in a very long time. He took my hand and said, "It doesn't matter how long it's been, you're my best friend." And as he said it, I felt my heart open up and I told him that I loved him. When I woke up from that dream, I thought to myself that I must be ready to love again.

After that much pain, it's hard to conceive that you would ever let your heart out from the protective bubble wrap ever again. But time heals and helps you understand things. Time allows you to let down your guard and let someone in, knowing that the outcome is in fact unknown, but that it's worth it. After the rain comes the sun, always the sun, the warmth and the light and in the words of Lenny Kravitz, you got to Let Love Rule.