New Leaf

When I started this blog three years ago, I was in a very different place in my life and emotional head space. I had only recently left my home and marriage and was in a much darker place than I am now.

I was filled with a lot of sadness, a lot of insecurity and a lot of anger. I was also overwhelmed.

I named this blog after a comment the Ex frequently made whenver I undertook something that was my own, or wasn't part of the "collective"; he used to say that my vanity projects were detrimental to our success. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.

Last fall we had our first encounter in court and following that initial encounter, I decided to review many aspects of my life.

At the time, I was teaching fitness classes multiple times a week to bring in extra income and keep myself in shape. The irony was that I was gaining more and more weight, no matter what new regime I tried. "Try Weight Watchers!" a friend said, so I did and gained more weight. I tried a program that had previously given me fantastic results and I gained more weight. I had no energy to run anymore and the energy I had was used up in the classes I was teaching.

One day, my car wouldn't start. Or rather, I made it to the coffee shop with the Boy and then could go no further. Amidst impending deadlines at work, finding someone to get the Boy to school and then at midday, discovering I had to pay for a new starter; I answered my cell phone at the end of the day while waiting for my car to be driven out of the mechanic's work bay.

"Hello?"
"Hi Jessica, it's Josee at the gym."
"Oh hey, what's up?"
"Uh. Where are you?"
"I'm at the garage. Why?"
"There are 30 members at the gym waiting for you to teach your class.:

I had completely forgotten that I had a class that night. I had arranged to the kids to be picked up, had made up for some of my missed work, but I had completely forgotten that I had a class to teach. That had never happened to me before. I don't forget appointments, I usually have a pretty accurate grasp of scheduling for myself and the kids, but I had completely forgotten that I had a class to teach despite teaching the same class, week after week for a year and a half. I sent in my letter of resigntation the following day; I had nothing left to give anyone else. I never set foot back in the gym. Instead of racing home at the end of a work day, on the weeks I had my kids, I was able to take quality time with them, sit down with them and calmly do homework, actually cook a meal (sometimes) and make time for stories without making bed time too late.

I knew something was seriously not working and it wasn't just the gym. A part of myself stepped in and began purging other unnecessary items from my life. Earlier in the year, I had purged some friendships, some willingly, some not so much, but it was definitely a purge I wound up being grateful for. Some of my close friends know that when it comes to my household, I am an excellent purger; I can assess with detachment, whether there truly is any point to keeping that family heirloom or whether I will actually make the craft I've been planning to use those ribbons for over the past 5 years. I even have a friend who has asked me to help her pack for the sole reason of encouraging her to purge items.

That was just the start. I had gotten so uncomfortable with my physique; summer was ending and I realized I didn't fit into any of my pants. I literally had no pants to wear. I also couldn't afford to just go and buy pants. I visited my Homeopath and pleaded with him to help me. I hadn't been in this kind of predicament in a decade. Sure my weight fluctuated, but it hadn't been this bad in a very long time. He steered me in the direction of a program that many of his clients had had massive and quick success with. up until that point, I had been reluctant to undertake anything that would drastically restrict any food groups of any kind because I refused to feel deprived, but it was time to take drastic measures. I would have drunk horse urine if I had been convinced that it would work.

So I began this new plan. I started it the week of the Boy's birthday. I can tell you that it takes a special kind of dedication to serve pizza, ice cream cake, pop corn, then pancakes and bacon in the morning when all you are eating is lean protein and vegetables, but I did it happily. And the weight begain to come off.

I also found a book that made such a difference to me in my approach to myself. Through all of November, I would take this gem of a book over to the local Starbucks during my lunch. It was just as the holiday bustle was begining and Christmas Carols were being played as fluffy snow gently fell to the ground and melted; that moment in time when the snow is pretty and festive. I would sit in the comfy red chair in the window and read about the Law of Attraction. No, it wasn't The Secret, nor was it a concept that was new to me, but this book that spoke to me on a very profound level. While reading this book, many things turned around for me, I decided to be more honest with myself and decided to monitor my thoughts and internal message in a much deeper way.

I started this blog from a place of hurt and anger. Last summer, the Ex threatened to sue me for one hundred thousand dollars because he claimed that I was defaming him with this blog. While this was a false allegation, I posted a last entry on September 18, 2010 and found myself unable to produce anything else. Blocked if you will.

I have spent the last 6 months refuelling my self. Rebuilding my life and pressing the re-set button for my future. I pay attention to what goes on inside myself and do my best to live on positive, feel-good stuff instead of negative input that fuels past pain. I know it might sound like hippy-new-age talk, but I don't care. Man I feel good! I am in a fantastic place with my kids; we have an amazing time together when I have them and I believe that my future is bright. I actually believe it! I no longer feel as though I'm trying to convince myself that it's the case. Things show up at the most magical moments.

I will continue to share humourous things that happen to me, but my intent now, in this blog, is to bring it forth from a positive space. I am fuelled by joy and love for my kids. I feel blessed.

That's what I'm sharing.