Beauty

When darkness sets in I find it very difficult to turn towards the shaft of light that streams in the drawn curtain.

There are times when you can keep it at bay by keeping yourself busy with the day to day; the report that's due, the notes you need to memorize, the kids you need to bring from event to event, the cake you have to bake.

Then there are moments that you complete a major task that has been aggravating you for months and suddenly you are faced with yourself. Maybe it's something else that acts as the major catalyst, but they happen every so often.

I find myself there tonight. In that dark place I work so hard to avoid. The place that tells me the Universe is playing a gigantic joke on me and that it's time I see the punchline. The place where I feel totally out of control of my own destiny.

I woke up this morning with great difficulty; the sense that lead had been injected into my eyelids and limbs, but persisted through the day with... something tugging at my unconscious mind, waving in my peripheral vision to pay attention. I just knew that I felt... Off. I taught my class with great effort, giving my attendees their usual burst of energy, but feeling empty inside. A facade I used to employ on a regular basis.

Arriving home, I had no pressing tasks to undertake and I went through my usual routine, doing up my dishes from this morning's rush, pressing play on my "create" playlist, thinking I'd sit down and paint, or write... Not anticipating a post of this kind. Dishes completed, my bath taken in record time, I sat down on my sofa, drink in hand and proceeded to weep.

Why?

I have no idea. The tears just poured from me without stopping. I asked the Universe why about several aspects of my life and came up with no conclusive answers. My solution? Kraft Dinner spirals. THAT would definitely make things better considering that my self esteem was taking a beating, including my self-image in the process; if you feel fat, Kraft Dinner will NOT make things better. Obvious I know, but still worth mentioning.

Looking at my tear-stained face in the mirror, I got to thinking about events from the past month. The idea of beauty has been weighing on my mind quite a bit. I have been called beautiful, gorgeous and lovely a few times in the past few months, all to great flattery to my ego, I must admit. But as I sit here and observe myself tonight, I don't see any of it. All I see it a pathetic, frumpy, underachieving lumpy loser of a woman. I am feeling all the victimhood as I type. I'm even listening to music that underlines all of it!!!! No uplifting gospels for me; it's wallow ALL the way! I blame the chemical composition of the Spirals. Damn-you KD!

Beauty is an illusion we're fed from very early on in our infancy; we're force-fed these images of people tha have been digitally enhanced, illustrated in exxageration and single-handedly picked out to highlight specific features that don't always occur naturally in nature. I remember asking the nurse who was monitoring my labour in the delivery room when I was waiting for the Girl's arrival if parent's of ugly children knew their children were ugly. Yes, I actually asked that, and I don't even think I can truthfully blame the pain or the drugs or any of that, I just really wondered. What if I had an ugly baby? Would I know?

What is ugly? What is beauty?

I believe that we all know people who are theoretically not beautiful, but that become stunning as we get to know them more; their inner beauty shines though. I believe that it's the inner beauty that wins out in the long run. Now that Naomi Campbell's true nature seems to have come out in the press, how may covers has she had? Her physical attributes seem to be overshadowed by her personality.

But what is it to be told you're beautiful by another human being? I realized this past week that the only people I ever believed were my girlfriends. I think this is a symptom of being more of yourself with your girlfriends than you are with men you may be trying to impress. Your true friends know your true-you. They see you at your ugliest and if they can see that and still tell you you are beautiful, then it's far easier to digest and far more honest that the guy telling you how beautiful you are while trying to get in your pants afew hours after meeting you.

Does any of this make me feel remotely better? Not just now, but it's my evening's observation and something I have to contemplate when it comes time to give my children a little more information about the world. The cliche of inner beauty rings too true to ignore. It hasn't failed me yet when I think of those who strated off with a dazzling smile and ended with a shadowed sneer.