Feminist? Not quite, but maybe...

I've been mulling over this blog post for a few weeks now and finally this week, after reading this article about my cousin, I was moved to action.

I come from strong strong female stock. My Mom (and dad) battled and overcame alcoholism, my Grandmother is one hell of a woman who worked after being married in a time when married women "just didn't work" and not just that, but also worked with Nellie McClung's granddaughter. Something about that has got to stick in one's genes.

Dixie has often told me that I missed something from the feminist bandwagon; growing up, what I really wanted was my own strong family unit, to be a mother and a good wife. I even remember making my Dad a sandwich one day when I was about 16 and my sandwich-making skills were so rockin' he said, "Oh, you'll make a good wife one day!" to which my Mom admonished him severely saying that there were far more important things I should be aspiring to. Deep down though, his comment made me so happy. I really wanted to be a good wife.

And so I entered my marriage, at age 21 (WAY too young to get married by the way - I tell both the Boy and the Girl that 30 is an acceptable age to *begin* thinking about marriage and children... BEGIN!!) convinced that this would be the key to my personal fulfillment. Not only was I too young to be married, but I was, by today's standards, too young to be pregnant. Yes, I did the very common "We're pregnant, let's get married!" routine that, unfortunately, for the most part, doesn't work. I truly believed it would! It worked for my parents! They've been together for 34 years and show no signs of stopping (except for the endless bickering). They have been my relationship role models. In times of severe marital difficulties, I would often talk to my Dad and seek his advice, which was usually that marriage is hard, you work at it and then it works out. The rough patches give way to greener pastures. I believed him because I witnessed it between him and my Mom. I watched them travel through addiction to recovery together and come out a really bonded unit. I could do that!

But I didn't do that. My marriage failed for more reasons that are necessary to list here. I've been accused of taking no responsibility in the dissolution of that naive dream, but regardless, my marriage ended along with my illusions of "happily ever after".

Why on earth did I carry this illusion in my heart? This is a discussion that Dixie and I have had on more that one occasion. It's not like I learned it from my Grandmother or my Mother, but it's possible that experiencing an alcoholic family situation early on in my life made me think that I could create my own perfect family unit as quickly as I could. Of course, none of this was carried on at a conscious level, but I think there is definitely some truth to it. Even in the most miserable moments of my marriage, I looked for ways to "fix" everything, ways to make everything perfect. It all failed. My vows went up in flames. The one thing that at one point in time, was the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to me.

Those feelings have passed now and revisiting them is both painful and embarrassing. I cannot believe that I placed so much of myself into another human being. I experienced nuances of it when I began dating again; I would feel extreme anxiety, not knowing what I was "supposed" to do, how I was "supposed" to behave as opposed to simply being myself! I have a tendency to pour my being into the person who grabs my fancy, but I now see a lot more clearly that this should not be a process of losing oneself, but rather an opportunity to reveal my true self.
This brings me to the Girl.

She longs to see me reunite with the Ex. This is normal, she craves the family unit she used to have and most of her friends still have an un-broken home. This isn't what concerns me so much as her reasoning that accompanies it.

"Mom, you should be back together with Dad. You should have been nicer to him and listened to him. When I get married, I'll be really nice and I'll listen to my husband."

These words made me cringe. My goal is to impart a sense of strong independence and sense of self into this teeny lady and her statement screamed of the opposite. We still have fairy tales that end with happily ever after and female characters in television and films most certainly don't portray too many strong women; they just don't market well unless you're Angelina Jolie playing Lara Croft with huge tits.


"Sweetheart," I replied, "Being married doesn't mean you have to make the other person happy or do your best so they don't get mad at you, it means finding someone you can be yourself with and will accept you while you do it. It doesn't mean you don't have arguments, but it means that you love the person enough to find solutions together. Your Dad and I weren't able to do that."

"But you need a husband Mom! If you don't have one, you'll be sad!"

Yikes! The truth is, I've been far happier without the Ex or even a boyfriend. Sure, there are moments that would be nice to share with someone, but the time I've had to reflect, readjust and reintegrate with myself has been invaluable.

"I was sad when I was married, Baby Girl. Having a husband doesn't fix sadness. It's actually better to be happy with you on the inside before you get married"

There was silence after this; of course it's difficult to impart this piece of wisdom to a 7 year old who hurting a great deal after her parents separation. All I can do is strive to be strong and succeed so that she can see that it's possible. It can be overwhelming to think of all the heartache she might experience and I believe most parents want to protect their children from the pain they themselves have experienced, but we've all had to make mistakes in order to learn. Some of those mistakes will be the ones our parents made and some will be all our own, but it's how we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off that measures what we're made of.

I recall falling into very stereotypical roles once I got married; I cooked and cleaned and did very "female" things around the home. I think it's very common for this to take place, I witness it all around me, but when you find yourself without a male counterpart, these "male" tasks still need to be done. Widows know this first-hand, their trial-by-fire and learning everything quickly because you have to. Why do we wait so long? Why aren't we taught any of this while we're growing up? Basic lifeskills that boys AND girls need to learn involve everything from being able to feed yourself to finances to running a household inside and out! While I can't fix my own car, I have to figure out when it needs servicing, I need to maintain my yard (with some much appreciated help from the Boy - BUT - he also helps me in the kitchen!). It seems basic, but so many women haven't got a clue about these things! AND IT'S 2010!!!

If I can somehow open up that pocket of wisdom (if it's even that)through example, then I believe she will come out of this as strong as her lineage has been and not only for her, but my beautiful Boy will also learn what real women are made of and will know how to take care of himself at that.

Feminism doesn't have to evoke images of man-hating women with a lot of body hair, but just strong, capable women - AND men.

Special thanks to Phillipa Maitland for her photograph; hire her! http://pmaitland.blogspot.com/